Abigail M. Schilling

"Have you ever noticed how interesting professional sports is? If there's one topic that I enjoy spending hours thinking about and ruminating upon, that is it. Every match or round or game is an endless source of deep and satisfying contemplation. I never tire of watching a player rounding the bases, crossing the threshold into the end zone, or beating another professional athlete into unconsciousness, and then obsessively dissecting and analyzing every detail. A night spent speculating on the outcome of a sporting event—Will the first team win? Or will it be the second?—is the most intellectually stimulating evening I can imagine."

Professional Sports is very interesting. Or so our new TiVo thinks.

We set the TiVo up just in time for the Olympics and that is pretty much all we've been watching (well, Olympics and The Hills and Project Runway) so TiVo's feature where it suggests things for us is a little confused.

Because it recorded all of ESPN for us.

"When I'm not watching and then thinking about sports, I enjoy listening to other sports enthusiasts talk about the sports that they watched. Most of all, I enjoy my peers' descriptions of certain feats of athleticism they've witnessed. In turn, I like to reply with a similar anecdote about something I have seen myself, and then follow with a historical precedent that parallels both. Hours go by like seconds when I'm involved in a discussion like this. Invariably, one of us will say, "That's one for the record books," and, though exactly which record books is never totally clear, it is a professional-sports insight that will always be true."

We LOVE LOVE LOVE the Olympics. We halt our lives for global athleticism, for American pride, for sell-out McDonald's commercials, for story packages with Weird Mary (props to Sizzle for the nickname), for MICHAEL PHELPS, for beach volleyball and synchronized diving and track and field and triathalons and archery and BMX and everything else our TiVo records. We are dedicated.

This does not mean we care about the World Poker Championship, TiVo. In fact, unless Lauren Conrad is sort of dating someone who plays, we don't care about poker ever. Also, we don't care about Little League. I spent most of my early life caring about hometown little league and I don't know how I could possible manage to watch it when I don't know anyone involved. Also, if my memory serves me correctly these kids don't even get to be kids because they're busy playing global little league. Blech. I'd prefer watching underage Chinese gymnasts thank you.

"Perhaps the most wonderful thing about professional sports is that I always have the option of watching well-dressed, highly paid people discussing sports on television if I don't necessarily feel like discussing sports myself. These men and sometimes women often have an interesting take on the week in sports, and it gives me a lot to think about. For example, there may be factors in the outcome of a sporting event that I had not considered, such as the wind speed or a bad decision by a coach. The sportscasters will put forth a conclusion, with which I will either agree or disagree, and then, if the occasion arises, I will share that insight or conclusion with others and assimilate it to my own canon of knowledge and analysis about professional sports."

In conclusion, DID YOU WATCH THE VOLLEYBALL LAST NIGHT? SO AMAZING.