Abigail M. Schilling

Marilyn Porter: Third year at BlogHer, second year speaking. If this your first (or second, or third), how many of you walked into breakfast and wanted to do a 180 and walk out? (everybody laughs) That's what I thought my first year. I thought I might recognize some people I knew but I didn't have any meet up plans. I was wholly unprepared. I walked in and saw all these people and I was like "oh my stars, I am scared, I don't know any of these people. I'm wearing the wrong clothes, the wrong shoes, I'm in the wrong place." A friend of mine recognized me and had me come sit at her table. At the end of the weekend I had had a good time but I wished I had been more prepared. Baby steps. Being able to walk into welcome breakfast and not cry.

Shireen: How many people felt like that? ...Quite a few.

Jane Goodwin: Hello, I'm very shy in real life. I rant and rave on my blog and everyone thinks I'm like that in real life, but every day is fifth grade and we walk into the lunch room and the playground and get nervous. Those are the hardest parts of school. That and remembering the locker combo. Every day we have to face the cafeteria. Everybody else is wearing Victoria Secret's Double D and you're wearing Wonder Woman underoos.

I think when I blog that's really me. That's a part of personality that I wish I had the courage to be in real life. Even if I had the guts to speak up, who would care what I have to say? I'm nobody. I run funny, nobody wanted me on their team in the fifth grade. What we have the courage to say in our blogs is really us. I've been blogging since 2004. I never thought anyone would read my blog. Who would care what I have to say?

As you blog you get better. Anne Frank's diary: first entry totally sucked. You get better.

The universe cares. That's my motto. Women have power. and blogging women have so much power. There are a zillion of us.

In my real life I'm a writing prof and I get up in large groups of people and talk about pronouns. I'm not scared of those people because they need me--I have the red pen--but you people don't need me. We're 13 years old inside. We need an outlet. Blogging is that outlet. Nobody can see that my ass is huge on my blog.

It really does take a village. The blogosphere is our village. It's a neighborhood. Where else can you look in people's windows and quote them and see celebrities at blogging conferences? I hear myself say, "You don't look like what I thought you would!" but it doesn't matter because I don't care what you look like. But I have low self esteem.

We're not alone because we have the blogosphere. No matter what we have that. We've always got each other.

Shireen: You say you're an introvert, but you have so much personality!

Jane: It's a facade. My deodorant quit when I walked into that room. I can prove it to you!

Shireen: Who you are as a person shows and that's what matters to people. You show that.

Jane: I credit Wonder Woman.

Shannon Glass: I was terrified to come in. I'm terrified right now. The blog world shows a whole nother side that lives inside of me: big, loud, fun, funny. At the cocktail party I was sidling around the pillars waiting for someone to talk to me. I wont come up to people and talk to you because I'm shy. A lot of you I recognize. Even the popular bloggers do the duck-your-head-and-half-smile-and-keep-walking. I don't know if it's because your shy or if it's me. I'm going to assume it's because you're shy.

I'm shaking. It takes a lot of courage for you guys to sit here now. I am proud to be here with all you people who are as scared as me. I've discovered that I need validation as much as the next person. Please say hi to me otherwise I'm going to go to my room and cry.

I tend to hang out with a lot of people who are extroverts. I like to hang out with them because nobody notices me and I can be a part of that my proxy. Once I get to know you I might come out of my shell. My personality online is much bigger than it is in person.

I have sweaty palms. But wipe your hand on your pants, give a firm handshake and make eye contact. It gets easier over time. I see your fear. Embrace your fears and talk to people about it. It makes it easier because you're not alone.

Shireen: I deal with a lot of issues dealing with women and technology. Women tend to hide themselves more. They use the internet as a means to express themselves, to share things they might not be comfortable sharing in public. The difference is that at a conference you want to communicate with other women who feel the same way as you. I saw faces like Shannon's. Like you felt the same way. How many people wait in spaces for people to say hi to them? ... a lot of hands. Would anyone be willing to share how you feel in this situation? .... no hands. (everybody laughs) Oh, one hand in the back...

Leah Jones [attendee]: There is a wonderful book, The Introvert's Advantage. Be a sea anemone mingler. Sit in one place and other people who flow by and talk. I find a rock and stay there.

Shireen: So you found a rock to feel comfortable with? How many other people take this find a rock approach?

Jane: That's what Shannon and I did this morning. We found an empty table and eventually it filled up.

Shireen: Anyone else what to share?

I am an anthropologist. I study people and ask them questions which is weird as an introvert. I try to tap into my inner curiosity. I'm scared to death of talking to people but I get really curious about them. So I think of people as books in a library. I want to know more about that book and it makes it a little less scary.

Shireen: Any other tactics?

Mary Austin [attendee]: I write All Haven. I tend towards introversion, but I forced myself into getting into the habit of talking to people. If I shove myself out there I'm having a conversation and everything is better. It's harder here because it's multiple conversations all day long. Get past the initial discomfort. Half the people you talk to are feeling the same way.

Marilyn: The first year I dropped the ball. Why didn't I talk to people I wanted to say hi to when I was standing right next to them? Last year I talked to more people. Hopefully this year I'll talk to even more and not have any regrets. Fake it til you make it. Put on the smile. On the inside I want to run to the ladies room. But I wait it out. At the end of the night process in your hotel room. Live in the moment. The BlogHer is an amazing experience, and I don't want to miss anything it has to offer. It's too much fun to miss anything because I'm scared. This session is so good. We're all in the same boat. even the a-list bloggers are scared too. we're all scared to some degree. even the extroverts are scared. we have that in common. at the end of the day we're all bloggers.

Laurie [attendee]: I recently did a myers briggs test and I fall right now the middle (introvert/extrovert). I'd rather speak to all of you at once with this mic then one on one. (murmurs of agreement) when it comes to the one on one my instinct is to run away and hide. my blog is about having a life and interesting life but I have cancer. when I meet people on the street I don't say I have cancer but here it's like that because that's why my blog is about. last night I hitched my wagon to my extrovert blogger friend and we met so many people. and extroverts don't mind!

Shireen: any extroverts in the room? a couple. from the extroverts perspective.. anyone willing to share?

Fasta [attendee]: I'm here because of jane. I read her blog everyday and have been for years. I was actually surprised that she said no one went to her table, dude, YOU WANT to be with jane. you might be introverted and shy but the people that are looking at you might be seeing a lot more then you think. when you're introvert you might not realize that you're projecting a very positive image. if it wasnt for jane I wouldnt be here.

Hilly [attendee]: as an extrovert, I almost expect my friends to cling on to me. if I know someone who's shy i'll say come on, let's go meet people. I don't look at you and think "you're stand offish, you're hiding" I think, "i want to help that person come out of their shell."

nora (nonlinear girl) [attendee]: one tactic I've used in the past is to have a project. one time I moved across the country and a friend gave me a mr potato head and I took pictures all along the way with strangers and the potato. rest stops. everywhere. I said "im doing this project for my friends" but it was a way for me to meet people. a couple times today and yesterday, I've seen people use this as an opening. someone asked me to be in their skirt pictures. plus, if you have a camera you get to hide behind it.

Attendee: you talked about facades, I've found that preparing for events like this. sometimes I find myself feeling snotty. I want to come across as genuine but I have a defense mechanism come off.

Shannon: shireen, why are you looking at me? because I'm abrasive. eye contact. so much shows with that. or I latched on to this lady right here (Jane) and it's a buddy system. your buddy can nudge you. if people ask personal questions--they seem more personal in real life than on the blog--you have a buffer buddy to help you stay calm. I tend to get flippant with a joke. I make a joke out of stuff because I think people aren't going to like the real answer. just think, "these people aren't going to eat me." I just try to let my inside personality come out. I am sort of nice even though people call me the daily bitch.

Marilyn: I don't want people to think I'm standing against the wall means "i don't want to talk to you." I make an effort to smile when I walk down the hallway. there's a lot of bloggers that I recognize walking down the hall and they're walking with an unhappy looking face and my brain thinks "they don't want to talk to me" which isnt usually the case. they're busy or feeling shy. so just make a conscious effort to keep your expression open. I think the buddy system is awesome, it got me through my first BlogHer. however, don't let it keep you from meeting new people. you might have to step away from your buddy and that can be scary.

Jane: I am so grateful when someone talks to me.

Karl [attendee]: my name is karl and this is my third year here. I'm an introvert and terrified, but I push through. I use all the methods have been discussed. my method is to wear goofy tshirts and then people come up and talk to me. my shirt says, "aww, I think it's cute that you know CSS." (everybody laughs) last night I was hanging around in one spot, terrified to mingle. more people then I've ever seen.

Attendee: I have a suggestion. just because we're introverts living in an extroverts world doesn't mean we have to change. we would be here without introverts. do you think there would be computers without extroverts? (everybody applauds)

Shireen: yes, having both introverts and extroverts in the world keeps things interesting.

debra roby [attendee]: this is my third year. I agree that sticking in groups is a great thing to do. when it comes to the point when you're overwhelmed. step away from the noise, the crowds, quiet ourselves, center ourselves, and then go back inside, find an introvert and say hello.

Shireen: beeline for those people that look like introverts just like you. we've talked about a couple of examples so far. there is a lot of humor...

Shannon: it's a defense mechanism.

Shireen: it sounds like all of you have an experience with humor.

Jane: if you answer with something funny, you've answered and you're funny and they think "she's funny!" but you didn't really answer. it's the answer you gave but possibly not the real answer. I have trouble answering. do they really want to know how I am?

Shannon: you're worried the real answer is going to bore them to tears. in real life, I have to read your body language. it's difficult. my heart just pounds, I'm surprised nobody can see it. people tell me I'm one thing but agreeing is hard.

Marilyn: there are times at a conference like this when you have to find somewhere to go. I have a baby who is freaking out, she's an introvert too. I could tell she wanted a quiet room. there was too much noise, too much happening. even as extroverts we need to go hide. we need someplace where we can hear our thoughts and just reconnect and face the world. remember to stop and take a breath once and while.

Jane: I hear people say they don't care what other people think of them. I do care! I'm desperate to be loved by everyone. I'm scared to take risks because then people won't like me. Everybody must like me! It's important for me. I care what people think and what people say. I'm so afraid of offending somebody--funny because on my blog I offend everybody.

Marilyn: if you read my blog then you know essentially who I am. the things I say on my blog are the things I would say to my best friend over coffee. I've been told that I come off as stand-offish. what I say day in and day out is who I am. being an introvert, I don't have a lot of people in my real life that I hang out with. I live in my blog. unfortunately. I don't talk on the phone, I email. I text. it's easier for me. It's easier to do it through words then to actually talk.

Jane: We come off a lot on blogs as brave people, there is little bravery in me. I could save your life if I had to, but I'm not sure I could stand around and be thanked. CPR and then I'd run away. People say, "on your blog, you're so cool!" On my blog I'm brave, and funny, dammit.

Marilyn: I'm not funny on my blog. I'd get more page views if I was.

Shannon: People say I'm funny but I don't think I'm meaning to be. I know that I'm not talking to people because I'm shy, but I think that if other people aren't talking it's because they're snots.

Jane: Defense mechanism.

Shireen: Any comments?

Attendee: My question is about being funny and being a potty mouth. I get comments or emails that are nasty. Hate mail. And then it makes me change because I want everybody to like me.

Shannon: The trolls are out there. Don't change. No matter what you say they'll email you.

Jane: Especially anonymous comments. They mean nothing. They do not exist. Big no no: don't leave anonymous comments. Identify yourself. Don't change your style for a troll.

Attendee: I feel myself getting more boring every day.

Marilyn: It doesn't matter what anybody says. It's your blog.

Shireen: That's the balancing act for you personally. But at the end of the day, someone will always be saying something.

Attendee: Some of the best advice I've ever received: I want everybody to like me. A friend told me, "Someone is always going to think you're an asshole." Ultimately, that's going to happen. Just move forward. Allow for it. Even Mother Theresa. Somebody didn't like her. When you're in situations you're not used to: I try to emulate someone I really admire. "What would Bob do in this situation?" Chances are it works. You know what you're doing. If you're in a social situation, "What would Madonna do?" Extroverts are just introverts that hide it better--everyone is insecure about something. I practice in forced proximity. In the bathroom, washing your hands, you say "I really like that shirt!" Short conversation that are lighthearted. Easy to start conversations about what people like. Practice and it gets easier.

Jane: I can get 25 comments on a post. 24 are so great and then one comment that says something awful. Somebody said to me, "I would not come to BlogHer knowing you would be there."

Shannon: Everybody in this room, make it your mission, when you see somebody leaning against a pillar or at a table by themselves, just go sit next to them. That is maybe what they're waiting for. You can get your buddy team.

Jane: The most beautiful words somebody can say to me say, "Is this seat taken?"

Marilyn: I remember at the first BlogHer I went to, it would really surprise me that I would see somebody having a good time, they're everywhere, working the room. And then we get back home and a week later they write a post saying they were so scared and insecure. I believed what I saw in person though, what they were putting forth.

Attendee: I just wanted to respond to what you said about mean commenters. That person is a moron. What reasonable person has thoughts like that. People who do those things are not worth our time. We tend to be introverted maybe because we're scared to face those people. People don't act like that in real life. You can't change who you are because of that. Those morons aren't here. The people here want to know you.

Shireen: This was created by people who are introverts. People do feel safer on the internet saying things they would never say in public. Don't let that get you to not be yourself. Never change your style or what's important to you.

Attendee: I'm not an introvert in real life, but I am online. Do you have any ideas on how to get past that? I can initiate a conversation in real life, but online I have all the time to think about it and second guess.

Shannon: Press publish. Leave your comment. Don't think "I don't have anything to have."

Jane: Leave a comment that says, "I love your blog." That says, "I feel..." Even extroverts love those comments.

Shannon: Get on Twitter.

Shireen: Are a lot of you on Twitter? Yeah.

Shannon: Micro-blogging. IMing all your friends at once. You can do it with big people and little people all the same.

Shireen: says all their twitter urls

Shireen: The most important thing about this is we can say
I am extrovert. I like to be more social outwardly than writing. That's why I love twitter so much. I like to connect with everybody in person and hear their tones. Of course, I need my space too and my time to prepare for my next session. I go up to the people by themselves because I'm an extrovert and I'm going to go find out why they're hiding.

Jane: To the comment girl, I hope you take your own voice back.

Marilyn: First of all, our blogs are for ourselves. IF you're not comfortable with what you're writing, you're not blogging for yourself. Do what makes you happy.

Shannon: Do find those people that are hiding and bring that out. I'm probably not going to do that myself, but you should. In the booth room, the care thing has these buttons and you find your match (with the same button number). The first pair back wins an iPod.

More BlogHer entries here.