Abigail M. Schilling

I went to the gym today because I have will power.

I think the only reason I went was to maintain that I have will power. I am nearly 100 percent well and had no excuse to avoid the gym any longer. My stay at the gym was short-lived, however, due to my immune system's laughable approach to anything related to movement.

You know when people make jokes about how people are weirdly sensitive about things? For example: "So and So can't fall asleep unless it's pitch black and silent. Seriously, she'll wake up if you, like, breath on her." Well, those jokes? Are my life. Except it's like, "Abigail is capable of anything, until she breathes." Because my asthma? It rules all.

So basically I got on the elliptical, reached my target heart rate in .2 seconds (cause that's how good (read: out of shape) I am) and my throat constricted into a airway the size of one of those cheapo coffee straw slash stirrers. I was all, BITCH, PLEASE, I will POWER THROUGH THIS and was able to run for ten minutes before having to "stretch" and go home.

I went a little later in the evening too and instead of getting stuck with really annoying political shows, the USA channel was on and there was a movie playing. I got to pretend it was like Jennie's Cardio Cinema. (The movie was Bourne Identity which I've seen at least ten times. And I wasn't even there long enough to imitate Julia Stiles trying to be criminal. Oh well.)

[Side Note One: Are political shows for real? I've seen them several times now and I feel like no matter who is talking, they sound like a joke. Especially when the hosts have on other pundits as guests and they sit around and speculate and refer to things in the past a la, "we don't want another Fucksgate on our hands." Seriously? Do you people really watch these shows? Does anyone know all these obscure historical events that they refer to or do you just like to listen and nod to feel smart? Such a mystery.]

[Side Note Two: I was so surprised the USA channel was showing a Matt Damon movie. I swear that every other time I've flipped by that channel--which admittedly isn't very often since I've never had cable--it's been some John Wayne knock off movie with the muted colors. Usually a desert scape with a beautiful woman who is all dirty and accented talking to a cowboy type who's considering selling the farm.]

Anyway, the nougat of the story is that I only spent ten minutes in the gym and I spent twenty in the parking lot. Why? Because despite the fact that there was ample parking, everybody was fighting over the spots in front. All these big cars were taking compact spots and minivans were blocking whole rows so no one would sneak around them to get the spot they were waiting for.

I get anxious in parking lots anyway (see: me trying to find a spot on our street last night when 3/4 of our block was closed for repaving) and I really thought I was going to die.

People, you're going to the gym to work out. I think it's okay to walk more than ten feet to the front door.

Hell, if you run you can reach your target heart rate almost as fast as I do.