Abigail M. Schilling

Truth: I love getting mail. I don't care if it's a bill. It still has my name on it. And the inserts can be fun. The only thing I've felt strongly against, ever, is credit card offers and I stopped those years ago by opting out. So now I get bills and things from the internet.

Until yesterday, when I received this:

I thought, "how bizarre. That sentence doesn't really make sense." Then I flipped it over.

Well look at that. A prayer on the back of the envelope. With all caps. And red underlining. Fancy. And it keeps talking about me, even though it was addressed to "resident."

Apparently, my identity wasn't a big deal since the letter began, "Dear...Someone connected to this address,"

I'm urged to read about God's work at Saint Matthews Church. It's been around for 56 years! And people are rich! God keeps blessing them! Don't you want money. Aside from the fact that 56 years is hardly a drop in the bucket compared to, say, Catholicism, they had me hooked with their "we know the secret to God giving money" stance.

See, to be rich, all I just to decide my needs, check them off on this list and they pray about them following two pages of special instructions. In less than 24 hours. In the dark. Quietly. Etc. Etc.

That's right. You have to check off prayer request boxes. What's that? Your request is cookie-cutter? Sure it is, just say the confusion thing. Or ask for money. Money solves everything.

Here are some happy people from about 300 years ago (Saint Matthews, your timeline isn't adding up) who got loads of money and/or unconfusion at home.

The secret to their success? The prayer rug. You have to place this creepy rug out and then kneel on it (BOTH KNEES MUST BE TOUCHING IT). And then pray over the list. That's a little weird, but buyable. The creepy components: (1) You HAVE to send the letter and the rug BACK to the "church" within 24 hours for the prayers to be fulfilled. (2) If your heart is pure, you will see Jesus open his eyes. (Carolyn's trained eye could catch the optical illusion right away. Or maybe her heart is pure.)

(3) And, oh yeah, this rug has definitely been used before. The creases were well worn and I accidentally ripped it by blowing on it. WHO touched this? Sick.

AFTER you've returned the letter and rug to the church (via reply envelope) so it can be used by someone else connected to another address, you're permitted to open the prophesy. I didn't because it had this little seal that totally creeped me out. But I highly doubt it said anything more than, "God will bless you with up to $50,000!" I guess Saint Matthews' God isn't all-powerful. I really wanted at least a hundred grand.

Originally, I was going to check some boxes and make up a name and send it all back to the church. I figured they would send me more wacko stuff and I'd have a good laugh. BUT then I did some research online today and found this site which educated me on the real going ons of these past 56 years.

The "church" is an empire belonging to James Eugene Ewing. It operates under several different names. It's locations are shady. He's a millionaire. He tells people God will give them $50,000 and then he starts asking them for money.

From Wikipedia:

"These mailings are tailored to appeal to senior citizens, low-income families, mentally handicapped persons, and even homeless persons -- people who are often especially susceptible to pleas for mercy and compassion."

"In 2003, Ewing's organization was sending out an estimated 1 million letters per month. The earnings from this mail correspondence has brought revenue ranging in the millions."

"According to an October 1993 memorandum from to Ewing to his lawyer, J.C. Joyce, Ewing used a computer demographics program that identifies and isolates some of America's poorest sub-ZIP codes to identify targets for Ewing's clients to send mailings soliciting for new seed-faith "vows". The memo noted, among other details, that "[t]he size of each special area is about two to four city blocks[...][a]nd thank God there are tens of thousands of them across the nation.""

This man is scum. I can't think of enough expletives to string together to describe him. And yet, how can he be stopped? How do we cause change? He's using acceptable methods: the postal service, directory assistance, people actually giving him their information.

It makes me sick.