Abigail M. Schilling

My neighbor is crazy.

She has a lot of cats. I didn't judge.

She kept clothes in her car. I didn't judge.

She put up "gypsy" signs when she had a garage sale. I didn't judge.

No, I am a very accepting person. When she sang to her cats in the front yard I told my friends not to laugh.

I take it all back.

It started out simple. She wrote me a sweet note (with a pencil drawing of her cats) asking me to coffee in the garden. The night before she called me panicked--the garden was not going to work out. Could I call her to reschedule the location? This seemed strange, the garden is the garden, but whatever. She came to my house instead.

She wanted to discuss an opportunity. She knew I baked and wanted to hire me. I told her I'd love to work something out. Once we "got that out of the way" she wanted to hear about my life. I got a few sentences in, but mostly she chattered on about the neighborhood. I thought it was sweet at first. But then it wandered into this territory:

Her: Yeah, well I think things are really hard for R-- since her husband just isn't around.

Me: Oh? He seemed really nice.

Her: Oh no, he's totally scattered brained. I think it's from being dropped on his head so much.

Me: ...

Her: Yeah, R-- is such a mover. She's always doing so I think it's a real challenge to keep it all together with him being the way he is.

Minutes later...

Me: How many apartments are in that building?

Her: Well, there's the manager and then there is his girlfriend.

Me: Oh, that's his girlfriend?

Her: Yeah, that's his live-in girlfriend. He has another one.

Me: ...

Her: Yeah, it's really weird. But I guess they all get along.

You get the idea. A-- really owed her a favor so she was going to make her help out with the garage sale. D--'s son was sending his cell phone bill to her house. I thought she was a bit of a gossip, but relatively harmless. I agreed to bake for her book club and did some research on the internet about how much to charge for baking and how to interact with friends and family. I gave her a price sheet and we agreed on prices. I was impressed; it was going smoothly.

Things still didn't add up--she told me she didn't have a job because she had inherited loads of money from her late husband and father so she just lived out that, but then she had the garage sale for rent money--but I figured our deal was fine. She paid in advance and everything.

The day before she called me with an "SOS" (that is seriously what the message said). Apparently, she was planning on bringing grapes too but was too stressed out to take care of it. Could she give me $20 to arrange a platter of grapes as well? I told her we could work out a lesser amount, $20 seemed too high. But she assured me that she was willing to spend $20 to not have to worry about it.

She called me twice more that day and both times confirmed our meeting time and when she would give me the additional $20 she owed. The next morning we met up, I delivered all the baked good and grapes, she gave me $20 bill, and we went our separate ways.

That evening she left me another message. "Abigail, it's C--. I was wondering if there was any change left from the grapes? Call me back."

Strange. She knew I had bought the grapes before she gave me the $20. When she gave me the $20 she didn't ask for change. AND we had agreed on the $20.

I decided I'd give her $5 when I had the chance and never do any transactions with her ever again. My family came into town the evening she left that message and I didn't call her back. I had to go to work the next morning for a meeting before we road-tripped out to visit more family and I slipped out the back door so I wouldn't run into C--.

But she came out to the alley to find me. Stalker.

Her: Hey... did you get my message? ::shifty look::

Me: Yeah, I did. I can give you $5. Let me give it to you right now.
::looks in purse, realizes I only have a $1 bill and the $20 she already gave me::
Oh, you know what, I don't have exact change right now. Can I give it to you later today?

Her: ::looks at me like I'm lying::

Me: Seriously, I only have a $1 and a $20.

Her: ::looks at me like I'm lying::

Me: I'm sorry, were you expecting more?

Her: ::tone=indignant, as if I have stolen from her::
No, that's fine. I just really need the money.

Me: Okay, I'll get it to you today.

I put $5 in her mailbox when I got home from work along with a note explaining that work was really busy and I would not have time to bake ever again.

She stopped talking to me.

She'd say hi occasionally, but no stories, no calls, no coffee in the garden. It was sweet relief.

Yesterday, she rang out doorbell.

Her: Do either of you subscribe to the Whittier Daily News?

Us: nope.

Her: A copy has started arriving daily to our ponderosa.

Me: Yeah, I noticed that. It was on the sidewalk so I moved it to A--'s stoop when I turned the sprinklers on so it wouldn't get wet. It was closest to her house. Right after I turned the sprinklers on, I noticed A-- open her door and throw it back onto the wet sidewalk.

Her: Yeah, A-- says it isn't hers. I don't know why she is so angry about it. I think it's cause she's a little crazy.

Yeah, she's the crazy one.