Abigail M. Schilling

My mother called me several days ago to tell me that a) she is coming to town next week, b) she is bringing my brother, and c) we will be seeing The Producers on Thursday night with some extended family members.

She bypassed points a) and b) very quickly--to quickly for my little head to wrap around them--and focused all her energy on point c)--The Producers. Apparently, it a "very formal, like black tie, event." And do I have something? Something fancy enough?

"I have a skirt."

"A skirt? Is that all you're going to where?"

"Yeah, I was thinking a black skirt and then just going bare on top."

"You're going to wear a bear on top?"

"No, BARE. Like topless. The relatives will like that, right? It's fancy enough."

"No bra?"

"No bra OR shirt. Just the skirt."

Our phone conversations often revolve around her not understanding me (I mumble?) and me being sarcastic so as to avoid discussing whatever she'd like to discuss.

I'm almost positive that I can whip something together from stuff I already own. My mother is less than convinced and I am supposed to take pictures of me in the clothes I think are appropriate for the show. That way she can make a call, or if a tiebreaker is needed she will forward the pictures to the relatives. Yes, yes, my life has come to this.

I have not taken the photos yet. I totally might have if I had any clue at all where all my clothes are exactly. I know where they are generally--in my closet. I could even zero in a little more than that--anything that could possibly be worn to the black-tie event is on the floor of the closet. Also on the floor of the closet: anything that could possible be worn to work, anything that could possibly be worn with my boots, and anything that could possibly be worn to bed. Not on the floor? Seven summer skirts. It's not summer yet; I haven't shaved my legs.

Confident that the summer skirts will be inappropriate (with or without shirt) for the relatives, I know I'll have to go through that daunting pile. Definitely an everyday task but with the twist of find something that please myself, my mother, my relatives, and the cast of The Producers.

Good thing I have de-wrinkle in a can.