Abigail M. Schilling

Ha ha ha! Remember yesterday when I went to your website to get some legal internet?

I was being such a good person; I was taking the high road; I was doing the right thing.

And you just had to throw that back in my face.

After arduous efforts I finally got my address inputed to your site, only to find out that "a number already exists at that address. Please enter your phone number to register for internet."

Ho ho ho! Verizon, I don't have a phone number. I just moved here! No one has lived here for a long time! So then you told me to call your 800 number.

Sure thing! I was at work! I was feeling up to a phone call! So I called your number. I make 800 calls a lot; I'm used to automated menus. This was no average automated menu. This was a 'Bot.

'Bot wouldn't let me type any keys, I had to say everything out loud. First she instructed me to tell her what my problem was. "Use simple, short phrases," she said. "For example, 'my phone line is dead.'"

Hmmm.

Simple short phrases.

"YousayIalreadyhaveaphonelinebutIdon't."

"Your phone needs repair. Did I hear you correctly?" she said.

"Yeah, fine, whatever."

So then she "transferred" me. I nice woman named Debra picked up the line (after several minutes of hold commercials). I explained to her my problem.

"Oh, no no no no. No no no no no no no. This is very bad. We must get this fixed right away. How did you get transferred here?"

"The 'Bot."

"Hmmm. What if you called that number back--"

"I don't think that's a good idea. The 'Bot wants me to talk to her. But my problem is way over her head."

"Okay, well, unfortunately, I cannot help you with this but it is very important that it gets taken care of. Very important. This is a very serious problem. I am going to transfer you to another department. You will have to hold but if you hang up and call again you will have to hold even longer. So don't hang up. DON'T HANG UP."

"Okay! Okay! I won't hang up."

It was hard to not hang up. For two reasons.

1) The hold commercials made me want to kill myself. There was this one where a husband and wife were playing a video game? And they were all "BAM you're it" and "BAM you're it" and "ha ha! Got you!" and then the voiceover advertised your awesome gaming packages. And that other commercial you have? The one about increasing internet speed? The one where the main line of dialogue is, "Honey, look how slow this downloading!" followed by a robot explaining how slow it is downloading. Equally suicidal. Oh, and non-married people use internet too. FYI.

2) I WAS ON HOLD FOR NINETY-TWO MINUTES.

Around minute 80 I realized that perhaps PERHAPS you weren't the best option for internet. By the time I had hung up twelve minutes later I had actually ORDERED INTERNET from a different company that was both cheaper and faster! BAM! You're it! Ha ha! Suckas!

Oh, and that serious problem? We plugged a phone cord in and WE HAVE NO NUMBER. NO DIAL TONE. NO PHONE LINE. Idiots.

Love,

Abigail