How I Almost Died AGAIN
You know how they say the average person eats eight spiders in their sleep?
Well, my reaction was, hey, no big deal, as long as you never know.
Tonight, I almost ate a spider.
I was laying there, still as can be, in my bed telling Kathy about Storey and Graham and how they met (it's a really cute story and probably even more cute if you actually knew them, which I don't) when all of a sudden I FELT A SPIDER CRAWL ACROSS MY FACE.
I am not even shitting you.
I made a Patrick noise in an effort to get the ARACHNID AWAY FROM MY FACE and threw everything that was on my bed (pillows, sheets, blankets, clothes) onto the floor.
Then I sat up straight in bed and kept asking Kathy what I should do. She was laughing at me. I think maybe she didn't quite believe me either. Thought that maybe I was just reacting to a possible change in wind or my own hair. WELL SHE WAS WRONG.
Because after we turned the light on (hell no was I ever going to sleep again) and I started to calm down (by talking some more about Storey and Graham*) and I shook out my blanket and my pillow and my sheets and my clothes and had rested my head back on my ergonomic pillow, THE SPIDER CRAWLED PAST MY FACE ON THE WALL BEHIND MY BED.
Kathy gasped! "There it is!"
And then I actually got hysterical. That's the embarrassing part. I lived with Heather, Deathly Afraid of Spiders for two whole years during which I killed many a spider with covert methods such as capture-and-drown and hair-dryer-heat-trap. And I was always fine. I'd calm her down, walk her back from the cliff, and take care of the spider. Smoothy. Calmly. Totally normal.
Apparently, when the spider gets in my business, I can't so much keep my cool. After staring at the offender for several minutes (all the while Kathy is still laughing (it was even funnier now that it was true)) I got the nerve to grab a glass and slam it against the wall the trap him. I couldn't use Kleenex--there's a chance he would get away or smear on my wall. I instructed Kathy to get a note card so we could trap him in the glass.
I really wanted to keep him alive in that glass, right by my bedside where I knew he would be at all times. But when I lost ability to handle the glass (seriously, I was laughing/crying BECAUSE A SPIDER FUCKING WAS ON MY FACE AND IT ALMOST WENT IN MY MOUTH) she took the situation under control and flushed him down the toilet.
Where I assume he is rinsing off and climbing back up to get me. My Life = Joke.
*Storey and Graham sidenote: On their wedding party list they had bridesmaids, groomsmens, and then "House Party." Does anyone know what this means?
Comments
Umm... what's a Patrick noise?
Posted by: heather anne | August 3, 2006 6:11 AM
I am so glad it wasn't the Australian Huntsman. We had one in our apartment a couple years ago. It is as big as my palm. (I have a big palm)
And you really do live a movie.
Posted by: Kill_all_spiders | August 3, 2006 6:51 AM
I think "house party" refers to all the folks who are sort of in the bridal party, but not really---candlelighters, guestbook and gift table watchers, etc.
And I think that spiders are swell when they aren't on one's face. Glad you survived.
But how in the world do you know Storey and Graham, if you don't actually know Storey and Graham?
Posted by: Elena | August 3, 2006 7:03 AM
Patrick's a pug. Pug's noses are inside out. Thus, they make funny noises.
Aakanksha (this warrants use of your full name) -- I live in a city with lots of houses and lots of people. I don't think a Huntsman could fit here. Please tell me you were in the woods? My Patrick noise probably wouldn't be effective on one of those spiders.
Elena: I have an obsessive-compulsive habit for reading everything I can (on the internet). So last night I was clicking through blogs and someone linked to Storey and Graham's wedding. I now know so much about them that I could have been in the House Party. (Although, I must say, I already am a House Party. Wooo!)
Posted by: Abigail | August 3, 2006 8:29 AM
Umm, can I say I am in love with Storey and Graham and I want to marry them.
Posted by: Amanda Mae | August 3, 2006 10:52 AM
If you want to marry them, you'll have to change your name to something like "Rain" or "Whimsey".
Posted by: kathy | August 3, 2006 11:16 AM
Hello Abigail. That was the third time I had seen a Huntsman within 14 months. The first time, was my first day in my first week in Melbourne and the Residential College.
This is Melbourne, a city of 3 million people.
Australia is full of Spiders (another fine reason why I haven't gone camping even though the world comes here to camp). And I kid you not.
The Daddy Long Legs is very common here, especially at homes. It is the most poisonous spider in the world. I found one in my fresh laundry once, on my bed. But, fortunately for us humans, their teeth/fangs/what-have-they cannot penetrate human skin.
Oh, and I came across a random fact the other day, on a sticker. The average person eats about 70 insects in his/her lifetime while sleeping. This has left me feeling deeply disturbed.
Posted by: Aakanksha | August 3, 2006 4:47 PM
I was just told that about Daddy Long Legs last weekend! If they are so poisonous, why don't we die when we nocturnally ingest them?
And, Aaks, there's protein in those bugs!
Posted by: Sally McGrath | August 3, 2006 7:17 PM
I read on a piece of tape that we actually don't eat bugs.
Posted by: SHEPHERD | August 4, 2006 5:54 AM
Shepherd,
Your comment makes no sense. Peice of tape? Don't eat spiders? What kind of informative tape are you reading?
Posted by: Cate | August 4, 2006 9:13 AM
Well, if I must explain the sticker...
Libra panty liners have that 'non-sticky paper thingy that you peel off and chuck in the bin' aka adhesive protector paper. I guess Libra management decided to make those interesting and provide some toilet entertainment by having 8-10 facts printed on the back.
I just thought a 'sticker' was a more polite word to use than indulging in an explanation of where I read it.
You believe the fact now. Admit it. Just admit it.
Posted by: Aakanksha | August 4, 2006 8:24 PM
Aaks, that IS really an odd thing to print on panty liners.
Ask Abigail if she remembers Buffalo Bob.
Posted by: Sally McGrath | August 4, 2006 9:37 PM
This has nothing to do with spiders:
Abs, do you have a boyfriend and/or life-threatening illness? Because the blogging has really been lacking.
Also, if you do have a life-threatening illness, I'll volunteer to run a blog about "Abigail's Life-Threatening Illness" with pictures and updates.
Posted by: Gary H | August 5, 2006 1:56 PM
The house party is in charge of bringing extra beer.
This post is amazing. And I feel really, really mad at that spider.
Posted by: Amanda W. | August 6, 2006 10:20 PM
One of the nice things about being a boy is that you don't have to know what is written on panty liners*.
In the future, please allow us to keep enjoying this privilege.
*I'm not even sure I know what a panty liner is. (Please do not interpret that sentence as a request that you explain what a panty liner is.)
Posted by: SHEPHERD | August 7, 2006 1:36 PM