Abigail M. Schilling

Take the VCR. The whole idea of a VCR is that it makes it possible for you to tape what's on television while you're out of the house. But the whole point of being out of the house is so you can miss what's on television.

A couple weeks ago I discovered an amazing feature on my cell phone: the on/off switch for voicemail alert. With one key stroke I silenced that horrendous ring that I insisted on having because it sounded like a voicemail landing. And every time a voicemail landed I would get visibly agitated by the voicemail and what the person wanted and how soon I needed to call them back.

I don't like using the phone. I don't like answering it, I don't like talking on it. When I answer it I expect to know who is calling and why. If my caller doesn't really know then I don't really give them much time. I used to defend myself and say, "People can leave a voicemail. I always check my voicemail."

And then I discovered the feature. Now, people know that even leaving a voicemail isn't a really great idea. I see a missed call, decide whether or not I like the person, and then, when I feel like it call them back and say, "Hey, I saw you called but I didn't listen to the voicemail, what's up?" (Note: sometimes I forget to call people--even people I like--back. So just because it took me a hundred years doesn't mean I don't like you. Or maybe it does. You be the judge.)

Now people don't leave voicemails anymore. Except when they're doing it just for fun. Now, those are fun voicemails. About once every other day, I log into my voicemail to see what's stored up for me. For example, this morning I had the following four messages:

(1) Heather Anne Hogan calling to let me know that she was afraid her computer had breathed it's very last breathe and also to tell me, "Keep your chin up, little lamb." Oh, that's right, she called me on the real live phone. Now, I'm assuming her computer is fine since she left that message like two days and she is blogging again so I think I speak for us all when I say that the world is breathing a sigh of relief.

(2) My mom, calling to see if I had any extra asthma inhalers I could ship inland because my pot-smoking brother can't go to doctor to get his own until his new insurance starts next month. What I want to know is what he's going to tell the doctor who informs he that he doesn't actually have asthma, and what could possibly be causing all the wheezing? Also, I'm a little curious if my insurance is going to catch on to the whole I'm-using-twice-as-many-inhalers-as-normal situation.

(3) Jeni--wait, no, Jeni's "secretary"--calling to tell me that Jeni was on her way back into town and that I best be not working late tonight (read: last night) because she was interested in a little ANTM (read: America's Next Top Model or the best show ever created, Tyra is a freakin genius and I hate to admit it) and if I could have my people call her people back maybe we could work something out. (And don't worry, even though I didn't listen to the message in time, I did call her back and say that I hadn't listened to the message and me and the "secretary" worked everything out and then we watched Tyra talk about Thailand and my life suddenly had meaning again.)

(4) My mom, again, calling today to let me know that my childhood cat has been on an uncharacteristic nice streak and do I remember when she used to live in the attic and never opened her eyes?

The great thing about getting fun messages is that I save them and then whenever I'm bored I can just call my voicemail and cycle through all the fun saved messages. Of course, this means I risk the chance of hearing a new voicemail, but you know, if I get to hear Heather Anne's voice again, or about the cat, or anything having to do with ANTM then it is totally worth it.

So, go on, don't be bitter that I don't answer, leave a message!