Looking Back
When I start to dwell on the fact that today I am not depressed or the fact that yesterday I was not depressed or the fact that every morning for months I have been excited to see the day, I get nervous.
Not because I'm afraid of being happy, because I'm not. I adore the inexplicable happiness that I seem to float in. It's so different than how my life formally was, so much more peaceful and relaxed.
The anxiety can be controlled. I can target what causes it and I can isolate it. I can think through everything and I can stop myself when I start thinking through everything again.
I can make good decisions. I can know why I make decisions, what my motivations are, what my fears are. Even when I make bad decisions I know why. I even recognize that I'm making them. And I don't regret it. I don't live in the past; I embrace, adjust, and move on.
I've learned that I don't need to be in control for my life to be in control. I don't have to be right for the world to be right. I learned that I have nothing to prove. (Mostly.)
And I'm so happy.
And that's what scares me. What if I don't stay happy? What if I lapse somehow? What if I lose awareness?
I remember what it felt like. When I was little, my mom always warned me that anyone could drown in two inches of water so don't play around water alone. That's what it felt like. No matter how strong a swimmer I was, there was still a chance I could trip in a puddle and drown. So I tried to keep people near me all the time--lifesavers, life preservers. That didn't work out to well either. We aren't programmed to be lifesavers.
I remember what it felt like for the anxiety to tear at me. My muscles were always sore, I was always tired, and my immune system was inoperable. And there were the ulcers. The crippling ulcers.
Learning how to live without lifesavers and learning how to live without gripping anxiety were the most important lessons I learned in college. Hands down. I like to think that learned lessons are a match for chemical imbalance and I like to hope that I can tackle these things myself. I have so far.
I used to blog as an outlet for all those confused, hurting feelings. You can read about those here or here or here or here. Now I blog for the writing, for the storytelling, for the reader response. I blog because I'm happy. Because I want to document this time as much as all the others because I'm so terrified it won't last.
Comments
Not that she's the be-all-end-all of knowledge and wisdom, but something Dr. Laura said on her radio show left a big impression on me. She mentioned a study that says what most parents want for their kids is not succes, wealth and fame, but happiness. While that is a nice and noble wish, desiring happiness, she said, can be dangerous and even detrimental. To be happy all the time is an unattainable goal. Like you fear, happiness can fade, because emotions are mostly fickle. And what the most misquoted verse in the Bible and Dr. Laura replace happiness with, is contentment; hold onto that unfading inner joy during those rough patches.
I say this as if I have mastered this lesson. I am trying, but am still in the process of learning. But I hope it can help you overcome your fears of being unhappy.
Posted by: Emily | March 6, 2006 1:35 AM
The first half of this post made me happy, I think you would know why. *big big smile*
As for the second half. Worry not, dear friend. One of my friends once said to me: "What's the point in speculating, worrying and fretting about something that hasn't even happened yet?"
Doing that saps my energy, so I choose just not to worry about it. Happy times will be around. Sometimes, though its bloody hard, I try to be happy so at the end of the day I can go : "Yeppity yep, it was a happy day!".
And for someone as wonderful as you, there are people willing to lend you their Melbourne summer sun if you're having a not so bright day!!
Posted by: Aakanksha | March 6, 2006 6:06 AM
I used to worry about losing my happiness too. But then they put two Starbucks up near my house.
Posted by: Heather Anne | March 6, 2006 6:40 AM
When I say "inexpliable happiness" I mean that I was diagnosed--by a doctor--with depression and anxiety. They wanted me in an extreme regime towards wellness. I promised I would get my shit in control if they didn't make me take drugs or go to counseling. See, I'm terrified of what medication does to my body (those random side effects? I GET THEM ALL) and counselors never so much helped (they're not sure what to do when I say, "yes, I know I shouldn't lie, I just do." And then every time they ask "why?" "why?" "why?" I have a scripted answer. My problem isn't self-awareness).
So I beat everything on my own. However, I sometimes wonder, especially when I read this post on Naomi's blog or other depression-related blogs (dooce, Very Zen) if I've really beat everything.
I've been happy and by happy I mean the joy Emily is talking about for almost a year. That's a really long time. Bad days don't send me into a funk, bad moments don't even send me into bad days.
And I don't worry about this often if ever. I just feel a little too lucky.
Posted by: Abigail | March 6, 2006 7:27 AM
I am glad you are happy.
Posted by: SHEPHERD | March 6, 2006 8:18 AM
i dont want to, like, state the obvious or anything, but it seems as though your happiness has increased proportionally to your teenage soap opera addiction.
Posted by: heather nicole | March 6, 2006 9:55 AM
so i know it totally sounds cliche, but i love dave's words, "the space between the tears we cry is the laugher that makes us coming back for more." as much as i hate the moments of tears and frusterations, it makes me feel the times of smiles and joy that much more. some people do everything they can to avoid the hurt, the struggle, fearing the effects of feeling the extremes. i would much rather jump between the dynamic highs and lows of life than coast through the middle. seriously, who likes to coast. :) so enjoy your time of smiles, don't fear whatever might be around the corner, for it too shall pass.
Posted by: jillm | March 6, 2006 10:28 AM
I said that?
you're becoming wise. It's a matter of building on affirmed faith....ie, the less than happy times you've made it through (with lots of good people and experiences) as well as having new happy experiences - more affirmed faith...
Posted by: Sally Schilling | March 6, 2006 2:33 PM
I have a hard time relating. you're posts about roughing it through anxiety, ulcers, depression make me scratch my head because I'm not struggling the same way.
you can probably guess that since I do enjoy knowing slash understanding everything slightly more than the average bear, this is very frustrating.
However, it's all worth it to realize that Business Cat has had such a positive impact on you're life.
Posted by: matt | March 6, 2006 4:53 PM
I'm disappointed with this post. I was trying to talk about one thing and I think I ended up talking about something else. I'm going to think about this for a while and try to rework in a week or so.
and to the frustrated bear: my hope is that someday both I can write and you can understand at the same time. In the meantime, I will keep trying, and maybe someday we can have a conversation about this.
Posted by: Abigail | March 6, 2006 8:36 PM
I understand that I won't always understand.
and that's okay.
Posted by: not too frustrated bear | March 7, 2006 10:31 PM